My story in Easter edition of Our Sunday Visitor

So, I was enjoying my Sunday afternoon when a man called me from New York. He said something about my conversion story appearing in the April 12, 2009 issue of Our Sunday Visitor. I was like, "Huh, what?" I had no idea. They didn't tell me it was going to appear.

But, sure enough, mine was one of four to appear.

You can see it in their special Easter edition on their website. Mine is entitled "Relationship bears fruit"

http://www.osv.com/tabid/7621/itemid/4671/Welcoming-new-Catholics-home.aspx

I am trying to locate a paper edition now. Let me know if you can send me one.

A Heart of Gold

I am currently writing a book proposal for a book idea: REALITY CHECK: A Christian Woman’s REAL Guide to Catching a Husband. I originally made it a “Catholic Woman’s Guide,” but realized that it would be helpful to Christian women in general. I am a Catholic convert anyway, so I can relate to other Christians too – not just Catholics.

What a Herculean task when I also work full time!

I’m working on the introductory chapter, where I discuss how a near-death experience made me question the dating advice I was getting in the Catholic and Christian worlds. I thought it was interesting that I was inspired to write about this around Good Friday.

I was dating a man who met the “check list.” He was a daily Mass goer, had a good career, a college education, was attractive, and willing to support a family structure where his wife would spend time at home with young children some day. These are all great things, and I assumed that anyone who was as religious and responsible as him would automatically have good character. I thought it was a packaged deal.

The truth is that when you are on your deathbed, or struggling to get through a serious illness, some universal truths come into focus. In those moments, you want to be with someone who has a heart of gold…someone who will be generous, caring, patient, and steadfast. Many of us love to discuss doctrinal purity, the demands of chastity, the virtues of daily Mass and weekly confession, and which leading theologian is more orthodox. When you think you are dying, and are in extreme pain…those things fade into the background. I did not care so much that my boyfriend was a daily communicant when I was sick – I just wanted to know that I could rely on him.

I couldn’t rely on him. Although I was only ill for about two weeks, it was too much of an inconvenience for him. He grew resentful when I asked him for favors. He worked a few blocks from my residence. My parents lived 20-30 miles away. I thought he would want to help me, but his faith didn’t necessarily translate into actions.

It was clear that he had a heart of fool’s gold. My doctor and father both said that the illness may have been a blessing in disguise. You want to know if someone can handle the marriage vows “in sickness and in health,” right?

An art teacher I had told me that it was not unheard of for spouses to leave when their husband or wife came down with a serious illness. She knew a woman who got cancer and her husband left her the day after the diagnosis. I was stunned, because I know my mom and dad would never be capable of such a thing, but it happens.

You want a husband with a heart of gold. Yes – the checklists can play a role in selecting a mate, but when the true tests come, it won’t be going through the motions, big paychecks, or popularity contests that matter. You’ll want someone who is really a good person deep down.

My story also reminds me of Father Walter Ciszek, a priest held in Russian concentration camps. He wrote a book, “He Leadeth Me.” I remember thinking that it differed from other religious books because he focused on many bedrock principles. He still treasured his priesthood and held Mass even when the penalty was death, but it was clear that his suffering burned any pettiness away from his being.

Online Dating From a Girl’s Perspective…

When someone talks about “online dating”, they are likely to get a variety of responses from others. It could be, “Oh, I had a horrible experience online! I just don’t do that anymore.” Or, it could be “Hmmm I tried it once.” If the person is older, they may think that only losers try dating online. The truth is that many people will not admit to loading a profile online, but it is becoming the most popular way of meeting someone special.

I think most people would prefer to meet someone in person, but since that does not always happen on our schedule, putting some eggs in the online dating basket isn’t a bad idea. Heck, I met my husband online…and it was not the only socializing I did. I just got tired of meeting the same people at local social events. I had combed my cosmopolitan city for years and just did not click with anyone.

“Online dating is the wave of the future,” one man I dated said. He added, “People get home from work and they are tired. Online dating enables them to do a more thorough search than any other way of dating. It saves time.” While you may go out to a Theology on Tap and naturally stick by your friends, online dating forces you to chat with guys who are available and looking. So in that sense, it’s really productive.

There is a certain practicality to online dating. For instance, I used to reside next door to the Capitol in Washington DC. We all know that there are plenty of young staffers there. How was I supposed to meet any of them if I did not work in the same buildings myself? I tended to meet these people randomly in restaurants around the Hill, but honestly would have preferred a quick email introduction first!

That’s because the Hill guys were rather bold. Some walked up to me as I was eating at a restaurant or picking up lunch. Sometimes, they would seat themselves next to me. One asked, “When guys do this, do you tolerate it?” I did, when I was looking, but it could be rather startling. In this day and age, people are not as accustomed to that kind of a thing.

Another time, a Republican staffer flagged me down as I was ordering lunch and had the nerve to invite me on a pricey vacation with him. I said, “no, thank you,” but as payback for refusing, he left the conversation on a rude and insulting note. This was in a public place!

So, online dating offers you some protections against the wiliness of bold men. There are pitfalls to online dating too though. People often misrepresent themselves slightly without trying. When typing their profile, they strive to put their best foot forward, which is well and good, but in the process, they describe the person they want to be rather than the person they truly are. They think, “This is the best version of myself.” That is great, but if they are not the best version of themselves more than 75% of the time, people are going to get an unexpected surprise. This best foot forward gone awry scenario happens to the best of us, so it’s really something to be wary of in your own profile as well as others.

For a woman, the trap is simply trying to be that ideal woman that every man wants. Well, the real deal is that there is no ideal woman that every man wants. I do think that many men would prefer to marry a woman who knows how to cook and is neat and tidy. For example, I knew a guy who broke up with a woman because he could not stand her messy apartment, and my husband says he wanted a wife who could cook. But, don’t say you are a fabulous cook and a neat freak on your profile if you are not. Sure, you may want to learn to cook, but if you have not yet, be sure not to mix up present and future.

From my experience, if profiles are inaccurate, it’s because people accidentally misrepresented themselves. There was no true malice. But yes, there are bad people out there who do it on purpose. The only thing I have to say on this is to make sure you use your “street skills” online and don’t trust too quickly. No amount of security from an online dating company will completely protect you from people who do not have your best interests at heart.

Here are three quick archetypes for women to avoid. They are valid on both Catholic and non-Catholic dating sites.

The Anti-Social Socialite: I remember a type of man I met a few times online who was really into writing long letters to lady friends but who never displayed an interest in anything more. If you become friends with a man who writes you for more than 2-3 months max without mentioning a phone call or in person visit, ditch him! They are wasting your time and as a Catholic, I just can’t believe in the validity of online marriages. This relationship will not lead anywhere and the constant writing without real contact creates a false sense of intimacy.

The Real Socialite: Some guys are really just out there to play the field and don’t care how the ladies feel about that. If they tell you this up-front, be sure to communicate your expectations to this guy. Otherwise, he could end up dating and kissing a ton of girls at one time. So, if you hit a point when you think the relationship should be exclusive, tell him that. If he won’t agree, you have to decide to either set him loose, or remain one of many love interests and keep it low key and casual.

The Sugar Daddy: This is a classic type and yes, he exists! The guy who showers you with expensive gifts and trips almost immediately expects “something” in return. Even if he is Catholic and says he is into chastity, watch out.

What Does It Mean To Grow Outside of Yourself?

A young lady who read one of my articles asked me to further explain my statement that finding a good spouse can mean “growing outside of yourself.” What does that mean? I’ll attempt to unpack that statement here.

Ideally, Catholic women want to find a Catholic man with good character, of course. It doesn't always fall into place like a puzzle though...sometimes there is work and compromise involved. This reality is not always discussed in the Catholic literature, but real life is oftentimes messier than idealized dating guidelines! Keep in mind that the majority of the “courtship” books sold to Catholic singles at events are written by people who have never been married or by clergy. I believe these intellects are genuinely trying to be helpful, but much of the advice is simply too idealistic to be applied to real life 100% of the time.

A snapshot of real life looks like this: I used to help with RCIA classes, and many people become Catholic because they are inspired by a girlfriend or boyfriend. Just because one person was not Catholic didn't mean that Jesus wasn't there. I became Catholic because a former boyfriend introduced me to the faith in a positive manner. My husband became more interested in the faith, largely because of his relationship with me. Jesus acts through people who love Him and none of us is a finished piece of work.

Further, stats say there are MORE practicing Catholic women than men. Some Catholic women will marry men who are powerhouses of faith when they meet them, others won't. Still, others will choose to remain single and commiserate with their friends over their single status forever. There is a choice to be made...and sometimes that involves choosing to be realistic after a certain age and settling on some things to marry, OR choosing to be a "secular sister" of sorts and live independently. Most women who email me about this topic don’t feel called to religious life or celibacy. They feel called to marriage and are following the advice they get, but something isn’t working. They can’t find a lasting connection with someone who is a “suitable spouse.”

Sometimes, our own thought patterns can block us from finding a suitable spouse. Have you considered that maybe God is putting someone who is suitable in your path…but you are too rigid in your thinking to see him? “Reaching outside of yourself” can be the missing link.

When things aren't perfect in a relationship (they typically are not)...that's when people "reach outside of themselves." There are usually gaps between ourselves and others that need to be bridged to form a long term relationship that works. For instance, even though I identified myself as a "conservative" or "orthodox Catholic" when I was single and going to faith-based events, I usually found that there were one of two things that I disagreed on with other Catholics who identified themselves the same exact way. People are just that way... they differ.

A lot of the people I know who are unhappily single get overly bent out of shape when they realize that someone close to them or a prospective partner doesn't agree with everything they think up. Surprise! That's just life...and if someone really wants to get married and hasn’t been in luck, it's best to find ways of constructively dealing with that "gap" that exists with everyone. People who can't tolerate any differences can remain alone, and nit-pick everyone and everything. Of course, the caveat to compromise is always that everyone has a limit and it’s wise to know what it is.

The benefit to reaching outside yourself is that it makes for a wiser, more well-rounded, compassionate individual. It’s a strong and loving way to live rather than fearful. When you put yourself in someone else's shoes, try to understand another perspective on the world, another person's emotions....it just makes you a better person. It's worth it to learn to peacefully co-exist with people who have minor differences of opinion.

Consequently, people in happy partnerships tend to have stronger immune systems! Neither me or my husband have been sick since we got married in June and I used to regularly get sick during the cold months!

So anyway--I hope this was helpful.

Waiting for “the one” to find you?

A lot of advice columns and spiritually oriented books advise singles to lay low, send out good energy, and let their spouse find them.

I tried it with the best of intentions. Did it work? I don’t really think so. I mean, my positive thinking may have helped, but the fact is that I thought God was calling me to marriage and I consciously pursued that call.

When we think of marriage as a vocation and calling, pursuing it makes sense. Sure – we may passively await a “call” in prayer and read God’s message to us in our lives, but from my experience, the “God helps those who helps themselves” adage has a surprising amount of truth in it.

So yes, go out and meet people, maybe join dating services, be clear about your desire to have a family. If you take the “let your spouse find you” advice too seriously and too literally, the expectation can be that God will literally send your ideal mate out of thin air to your doorstep. Unlikely! The “avoidance” formula can actually mean that you miss opportunities to meet people and relinquish all responsibility for your own future.

Free will is a beautiful thing! Go out there and get it! Create it!

I have heard that other cultures regard delaying marriage for no particular reason as sinful. I think that is interesting because in communities where young adults are being encouraged to pursue religious life, they may be told, “You know, to not ask God about his intentions for you is self-centered.” Well, what about listening to a call to marriage? A call to have children? It’s no less important. To have priests and nuns, someone needs to raise good children!

There are many philosophies and thought patterns that I see that prevent people from forming the committed relationships they so deeply desire. It could be “My heart is too broken to try again,” or “Maybe I’m just not supposed to marry…even though my heart wants it.” Or, “The world is just too messed up for kids, so why have them?” It's fear based.

If you feel a strong desire to marry and have a family, and your life is pointing in that direction…taking that seriously is the best thing you can do for yourself. Don’t waste time “avoiding” relationships if what you really want is a relationship.

Catholic Singles Feel Angst

Check my article in the Washington Times about Catholic singles!

Through interviews with Washington DC area Catholic singles, this article addresses the problems they face when trying to find a spouse and vocation.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/nov/20/keeping-faith-in-dating/

The Power of Candor

I recently wrote an article for the Washington Times that is slated to appear in the Culture section this Thursday. It's on Catholic singles...surprise, surprise! Through the experience, the theme of "candor," and the power of it, kept re-emerging. The power is there when either positive and negative experiences are shared.

Thankfully, I was supported in this project for the Times by several single Catholics who were happy to talk to me about their experiences. Their openness enabled me to write an article that accurately represented the single Catholic scene in the DC area. The more candid they were, the more powerful the story.

Some of the people I interviewed were very open, but asked to remain anonymous. This can be understandable in some circumstances and depending on what they shared. A newspaper usually demands some background info though...like a general job description or place of residence. Others gave me very spiritual qoutes or explanations of Church teaching...which was not as helpful for the newspaper article necessarily, but interesting.

Many of my single friends will tell me horror stories about their experiences in the Catholic dating community, or explain that they see a pattern, or a particular subject area that is frustrating many people - but this candor can disappear when it's time to tell more than just their closest friends. They may fear hurting a friend, an ex, or causing scandal by admiting that things can go terribly wrong. The Church really needs to hear some of these stories though...because in some cases, the issues are causing people to delay marriage, to reconsider marriage, to give up on something, to live in confusion and depression...

Why the reluctance to share among Catholics, I wonder? You see...as a former Protestant, I remember that sharing was really promoted as a means of communicating what the Lord was doing in your life. People were eager to talk about their relationship with the Lord, their lives, their journey. When I became Catholic, I noticed that folks were more reserved. They didn't "witness" as much.

Also, I notice this because I am a fixer. If I hear about a problem, I want to contribute to the solution. I want to improve the world around me. If I can't eliminate some of the issues, I at least want to give people the tools to make better choices and be more discerning. Not talking about a problem can mean that a solution is never created or tried out.

And here's the deal: the people I talked to from the Washington Archdiocese really wanted to help singles...but they can't know what to do unless people suggest it and are willing to help out! They need people to ask. Out of my years of frustration, I don't think I ever sent in a suggestion or any feedback.

What if someone wants to hear a good story? People need to hear about success stories. Finding people to tell them to you or a large audience can be challenging though! I have observed on at least three occasions, that Catholic lady friends disappeared completely once they founnd a spouse. They didn't pass on any lessons learned, support any of their former girlfriends, or remain accessible. They got amnesia about their previous struggles and got all detached. I know that life changes...but come on...at least tell your good story!

I found a married Catholic woman with grown children to pass on her lessons learned to me when I was dating, and it was extrordinarily helpful to me. She also had remain plugged into the lives of single women in her community and family, so she was knowledgable about a variety of relationship scenarios. Singles need that support, and we can't have it if once we are not longer single....we vanish. and do not talk about our life experiences.

Many times, people freak out when dating, getting engaged, whatever...and they need a married person to help them get through it. I've seen it many times. But this requires candor and openess!