I recently wrote an article for the Washington Times that is slated to appear in the Culture section this Thursday. It's on Catholic singles...surprise, surprise! Through the experience, the theme of "candor," and the power of it, kept re-emerging. The power is there when either positive and negative experiences are shared.
Thankfully, I was supported in this project for the Times by several single Catholics who were happy to talk to me about their experiences. Their openness enabled me to write an article that accurately represented the single Catholic scene in the DC area. The more candid they were, the more powerful the story.
Some of the people I interviewed were very open, but asked to remain anonymous. This can be understandable in some circumstances and depending on what they shared. A newspaper usually demands some background info though...like a general job description or place of residence. Others gave me very spiritual qoutes or explanations of Church teaching...which was not as helpful for the newspaper article necessarily, but interesting.
Many of my single friends will tell me horror stories about their experiences in the Catholic dating community, or explain that they see a pattern, or a particular subject area that is frustrating many people - but this candor can disappear when it's time to tell more than just their closest friends. They may fear hurting a friend, an ex, or causing scandal by admiting that things can go terribly wrong. The Church really needs to hear some of these stories though...because in some cases, the issues are causing people to delay marriage, to reconsider marriage, to give up on something, to live in confusion and depression...
Why the reluctance to share among Catholics, I wonder? You see...as a former Protestant, I remember that sharing was really promoted as a means of communicating what the Lord was doing in your life. People were eager to talk about their relationship with the Lord, their lives, their journey. When I became Catholic, I noticed that folks were more reserved. They didn't "witness" as much.
Also, I notice this because I am a fixer. If I hear about a problem, I want to contribute to the solution. I want to improve the world around me. If I can't eliminate some of the issues, I at least want to give people the tools to make better choices and be more discerning. Not talking about a problem can mean that a solution is never created or tried out.
And here's the deal: the people I talked to from the Washington Archdiocese really wanted to help singles...but they can't know what to do unless people suggest it and are willing to help out! They need people to ask. Out of my years of frustration, I don't think I ever sent in a suggestion or any feedback.
What if someone wants to hear a good story? People need to hear about success stories. Finding people to tell them to you or a large audience can be challenging though! I have observed on at least three occasions, that Catholic lady friends disappeared completely once they founnd a spouse. They didn't pass on any lessons learned, support any of their former girlfriends, or remain accessible. They got amnesia about their previous struggles and got all detached. I know that life changes...but come on...at least tell your good story!
I found a married Catholic woman with grown children to pass on her lessons learned to me when I was dating, and it was extrordinarily helpful to me. She also had remain plugged into the lives of single women in her community and family, so she was knowledgable about a variety of relationship scenarios. Singles need that support, and we can't have it if once we are not longer single....we vanish. and do not talk about our life experiences.
Many times, people freak out when dating, getting engaged, whatever...and they need a married person to help them get through it. I've seen it many times. But this requires candor and openess!
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